How to Love Your Teenager

After much consideration and multiple personal failed attempts, here's some thoughts on how to love your teenager:

• BE FIRM
• Make sure your teenager knows that you will always be his parent, and therefore will always love him, even when you do not support his decisions or behavior
• Likewise, when you correct any negative action, make sure emphasize that it's the behavior you do not like, not the person. For example, you could say, "When you chose to leave your dishes in the sink, it makes me angry."  Not, "You make me so angry!!"
• Do not stoop to his level.  This is the biggest and most frequent mistake I've made.  I tend to act like a teenager myself when my teenager pushes my buttons.  If he would name call or yell, I would name call or yell.  Rather, the quickest way to diffuse a situation is to be steady, not visibly angry, and speak at a normal voice level.  If he knows you are getting upset, he will continue the undesirable behavior.
• If you cannot maintain control of a situation, it is best to walk away and revisit the situation when you are more calm and composed.  Otherwise it is harder to undo hurtful words or actions that may follow, and you permanently lose parent credibility if you can't keep your cool.
• Pick your battles.  Decide what is ultimately important/critical and what is not.  If your teenager wants to express himself with orange hair- o.k.  It doesn't really hurt him (or you).  If your teenager wants to text and drive- not o.k.  This is potentially fatal.  This is a behavior that needs correction.
• Let your teenager know that you don't expect him to be perfect- that you expect him to make mistakes.  However, you also expect that he will learn from them, not repeat them, and move on.
• Remember that you have a parent/child relationship- you are NOT FRIENDS.  It is NOT a good idea to tell your teenager about mistakes you made when you were young to be cool or to try to be his friend.  This will inevitably be brought up by the teenager later in defense of a similar action on his behalf.  He will try to mitigate one of his behaviors by citing your similar wrongdoing.
• When you want to correct an action BE VERY CLEAR.  Make sure you decisively state 1) the action you do not like, 2) the behavior you expect, and 3) the consequences of the continued action or behavior.  Then, be FIRM.  If you stated there is a consequence for continuing a behavior or action, and the behavior or action continues, you MUST follow through with the consequences CONSISTENTLY.
• Do NOT let your teenager's action affect your relationship with your spouse/partner.  You and your spouse/partner need to privately discuss where you stand in regards to the teenager's behavior or actions and STAND UNITED.  You have hopefully planned to be with your spouse/partner for the rest of your life.  Your teenager should NOT be living with you for the rest of your life.  So, be wise.

As I spoke about in a previous post, please BE CAREFUL about unsolicited advice.  I can only write this because I've "been there and done that."  I often failed as a parent, but I still keep trying to do my best.  And hopefully, if you have a teenager, you will know that you're not alone as you quietly beat your head against the wall.  You have my support!  And one day, our teenagers will grow up and hopefully carry with them a measure of the values and love we try to instill in them.