The Last Christmas Ornament......

I've spent the last few weeks being angry, if not furious, at life.  I'm angry about my circumstances and having to make some choices.  I'm angry because I want attention, and then some more attention.  I'm angry because I want to lose weight, but I'm always hungry and have no self discipline.  I've started smoking again and probably drink too much. There are times when I thought I could either jump out the window or claw off my skin.

And then, two things happened.  First, yesterday, I went stomping down the sidewalk.  I was trying not to hyperventilate and fighting not to cry.  I rounded the corner and almost ran over a homeless man.  "Whoa!", he said.  "Don't knock yourself down!"  Humph.  What just happened?  I plow into someone random, just walking down the street minding his own business, and he is concerned about me?  So, as I'm standing there on the sidewalk contemplating this, I look through the window of the U-Haul building next to me, and see a homeless man standing next to a locker that reminded me of one of those drawers at the morgue where you see them pull out the bodies on a crime scene show.  He was surveying his worldly possessions.  He had made a bed in this locker and has some toiletries and some clothes.  That was it. I was thinking, the building closes at 7.  So, then I started thinking he probably stores his stuff there during the day and sleeps on the street at night.  What kind of life is that?  My anger and problems suddenly diffused and came back into perspective.  So, the rest of the night, things were calm.

Today, I woke up, full of anxiety again.  I could feel my breath quickening and pulse starting to race.  I decided to take a shower to try to wash off my fears.  When I got out, I was bending down low to brush my teeth, and that's when I saw it.  The last ornament on the Christmas tree.  Let me explain......  Last year I had to sell my Christmas tree, because my apartment became infested with rats and they were living in my tree.  So when we moved this year, I was able to convince Roger to buy a miniature tree from the antique store.  It's very full and about 3 1/2' tall.  Well, after Christmas, I didn't have any place to store it, so I removed the ornaments and put it in my bathroom.

So, as I'm leaning over my sink, I see one last ornament, left behind on the underside of the tree.  And, I almost started crying, because I realized, that was me.  I was meant to sparkle and shine and be happy.  I love to sing and wiggle, and tell everyone "Good morning!!!!"  I like to do random favors for others and volunteer.  I like to laugh and joke and often leave people scratching their heads as I walk away.  But I don't care.  I'm meant to be happy.  Even if I'm the only ornament left on the tree.

So what if bad things happen to me or things don't go the way I wanted or anticipated?  Is there anyone amongst us that hasn't experienced the same?  That hasn't been disappointed?  So what?  Should I continue to walk through life stomping down the sidewalk, bowling people over?  So then the next decision is, do I do  what makes me happy in life and don't worry about the rest, or do I do what I'm supposed to do and go where I'm expected to go and act like I'm expected to act and find a way to be happy doing so?  Humph.

On a happy note, my husband bought us tickets to Depeche Mode (my favorite band ever) for Tampa in September.  I've always wanted to see them and this will probably be my lost opportunity.  I also splurged and bought their new CD last night.  Whoo whoo!

Today, is taxes day for me.  I will not cry, I will not cry, I will shine on.  I am a star in the sky, an ornament on the tree.................

Have a great Saturday.  I'll try to write again soon.