What is fear?

I grew up in fear.  To be fair, many of my fears were rational.  Here are two examples:

1. When I was young, my grandparents had a pool.  Next door, Mrs. Wiley had two very handsome grandsons.  I was always desperate to impress them.  So one day, when I saw they were outside, I jumped off the diving board while singing that song, "One way, or another, I'm gonna find ya, I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha..."  Well, all I had on was underwear and my grandfather's signature white t-shirt.  As I went in, feet first, the t-shirt ballooned up over my head, trapping my arms.  I couldn't get out or breathe.  I was certain I was going to die.  And, of course, no one saw my endeavor.  I obviously made it out, but I still have a fear of drowning.
2. When I was older, my dad became a judge.  Well, usually in a court case, some one "wins" and someone "loses."  The losers don't always take it so well.  So we got threats from time to time.  People would call and say they were going to kill us.  One time, a woman called and said she was from the trash company, and they needed to know why they found a human hand in our trash can.  So, I grew up convinced that someone was going to harm me, or one of my smaller siblings.

Some of my fears are very irrational.  Like my fear of having my throat slit in a dark movie theater.

As I got older my fears grew.  When my son was born, I was convinced he was going to die of SIDS. (And in all fairness, whilst he was at the sitters, an infant sleeping in the same playpen DID pass from SIDS.  Freaked me out.

So, when I was 24, I bought my first house.  I didn't stay there in the beginning, because I was too scared.  My grandfather came over a few times and looked in the shower, in the garage and under my bed for me so I could sleep.  This didn't last very long.  And, sure enough, about a month after I moved in, someone broke in while I was at work and went through my laundry.  WTF?!?!?!

So, in 2006, I had to start renting out that house and move to an apartment in Stuart because of work.  I was in heaven.  For the first time in forever, I wasn't scared to sleep.  I knew I was surrounded by a million people and it wasn't very likely that anyone would "get me."  This has been my peace for the last seven years.

Well, Roger and I just bought our first house together.  It's a pretty cool house with a great back yard, in a so-so neighborhood.  However, will all the giddiness that came with this new chapter in our lives, my fear of intruders has returned.   We installed window guards, a security system and flood lights that light up the entire neighborhood, but I still can't sleep.  Not to mention the fact that my honey-bunches-of-oats sleeps like a rock.  I know if someone broke in they could easily rip off my arms and he would never know it.

When we first dating, Roger told me, "Doanyelle, if I ever tell you to run, or to leave quickly, don't ask questions, just do it."  (He was being dramatic, of course.)  So, I figured this was our mutual understanding.  So, I tried this tactic one night, when I was convinced someone was in the house.  I nudged the sleeping beauty and frantically whispered, "Roger, wake up and be quiet.  I think someone's in the house.  Listen!"  To which, he bolted up and yelled, "Huh? What?  What happened?"  So much for our upper-hand on the situation.

So, now I'm trying to figure out how to conquer this fear.  Is it likely that someone will break in?  Probably not.  Especially since we have a Beware of the Dog sign and our alarm sticker in the front window.  That is, of course, unless someone actually scopes out our house and realizes that our guard dog weighs four pounds and doesn't bark.

So, just in case I'm suddenly abducted or mutilated, please know that I'm sorry for all my sins and transgressions, I love my family, and I'm the one that stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

Happy Friday!  Here's a song.  (hahaha)